Reese’s Puffs

This cereal is like American Hustle. Everything about it seems like it would be great but for some reason I just don’t like it. It’s got all the right parts. Chocolate. Bradley Cooper. Peanut Butter. Amy Adams. It turns the milk into chocolate milk. Christian Bale. It doesn’t get soggy. Jennifer Lawrence.

Ok, this weird literary tactic feels like it is taking a big “L” but I like Bradley Cooper being surrounded by Peanut Butter and Chocolate.

If you want a chocolatey cereal, just go with Cocoa Krispies. It actually turns your milk into chocolate milk instead of getting your expectations up only to be let down but underwhelming milk with a nudge of chocolate. (“Hint” would’ve been too positive of a word to describe the flavor).

And if you want a peanut butter cereal, maybe try that new Jif cereal? or Cap’n Crunch’s Peanut Butter Crunch? I don’t know.. I haven’t tried either of these and I’d actually just recommend an English Muffin with peanut butter if you really want peanut butter. In fact, as I write this, I’m taking a strong stance against peanut butter in cereal.

Cereal is a gateway food. It allows you to have the foods you want for breakfast but can’t really have. If you start eating chocolate for breakfast, your loved ones would ship you off to fat camp. So instead there’s Cocoa Puffs. Or Cocoa Krispies or Cookie Crisp. Or Krave but thats just so Krave doesn’t feel left out.

Or you want corn for breakfast, first see a doctor, and then he’ll prescribe you Corn Flakes. Or Kix. Basically, if this makes sense to you, there is help for you. (the same goes for people who wake up and want rice.(rice krispies, rice chex etc))

But my point is, cereal is a sneaky way to get what you want in a cereal because social conventions don’t allow for some foods upon waking. However, peanut butter is a perfectly acceptable breakfast food and force it way into pristine world of cereal is not only unnecessary, but arrogant.

The best part of American Hustle is every scene with Louie C.K. He does not play a major role but and if I remember correctly, the story he tells throughout the movie doesn’t even conclude. The Louie C.K. of Reese’s Cereal is the way the last 20-30 spheres clump together. Some form a ring around the outside. Some drift aimlessly like Pi Patel and Richard Parker. (Editor’s note: easy on the movies references there, Ebert). Basically, this cereal is not for me and the thing I like about it has nothing to do with its consumption. 

You might like it. It seems like people would like this cereal but I am just not one of those people. So I guess I recommend that people try it and let me know if I’m crazy if you feel the same way I do.

Rotten Tomatoes score: 93%

It’s got too much going for it to get a low score but a strong-willed, free thinking person knows that Rotten Tomatoes is not the be all end of movie reviews. So for me the most important thing is the D-Moore Score and the D-Moore Score is….

FAIL

Raisin Bran vs Raisin Bran

Kellogg’s Raisin Bran

Delicious Raisins Perfectly Balanced with Crisp, Toasted Bran Flakes

vs

Post Raisin Bran

Whole Grain Wheat & Bran Cereal

Today, I’m doing a bowl-to-bowl comparison of the two Titans in the world of Raisin Bran, Post vs Kellogg’s!

One week in and we’re already getting gimmicky.

These two cereals are natural competitors. They share the same name. They both put lots of emphasis on the amount of raisins in their cereal. In fact, they brag about the number of scoops, which is a cute thought. As if each box is individually packaged just for you with the perfect number of scoops as opposed the reality which is just an assembly line of flowing raisins and an even faster moving stream of bran flakes.

Credit where credit is due, Jerry Seinfeld already did pinnacle of Raisin Bran humor with this bit

but honestly, I think he’s a little harsh on Raisin Bran. Raisin Bran is a cereal that everyone’s had for some reason. It’s definitely not a kid’s cereal but I never really minded eating it. It’s also not for people who have given up because you don’t just start a wildly successful cereal blog after you’ve given up, right? Right??

One thing about these cereals that needs to mentioned is the polarizing nature of the raisin. People who don’t like raisins are so vocal about it. I’ve heard people say that oatmeal raisin cookies are the reason that they have trust issues because they thought they were going to bite into a chocolate chip cookie. Now obviously, chocolate chip cookies are better and why waste your time making a healthy cookie but developing trust issues from a cookie? pull yourself together. Never have I looked at a raisin and thought “wow, what a strange and wrinkly chocolate chip” but I also have 20/20 vision and keen observational skills so maybe I’m in the minority.

Anyway, it goes without saying but if you’re part of the population that is strongly anti-raisin, then this discussion is not for you. But if Raisin Bran is part of your breakfast rotation, then get ready for some continued exhaustive and belabored cereal commentary.

Now, for the comparison.

Post Raisin Bran has more of a classic design to it. The typography of the logo is essentially one color with a subtle bevel. It sits on a straight line and the lettering is relatively no-nonsense.  The box design features a bowl of cereal floating in a sea of raisins accompanied by a scoop(er?) and a box of Sun-Maid Raisins. The iconic red box is a noteworthy co-sign and hints that their raisins are better than the competition. This is the only mention, however subtle, to the quality of raisin. Right next to the box is a sign that reads “Hundreds of Raisins in Every Box.” But as Mr. Seinfeld stated, we get it. There are enough raisins.

The cereal itself isn’t anything to write home about, even though it’s apparently enough to write a blog about. It’s Bran Flakes plus raisins and you already know how I feel about Bran Flakes. It’s not an especially noteworthy flavor although the raisins do add a textural variety that is unique to the cereals I’ve reviewed so far. But obviously, that fact alone does not heighten Post’s version above Kellogg. The differences, however minor, can be noted in mouthfeel, sweetness and raisin quality.

(I was gonna do a write-up on each cereal individually and then compare but this ain’t homework so we’re just gonna go straight into the comparison. And my write up on Kellogg’s version would’ve been a paragraph of “what the deal with the Sun? commentary”)

Mouthfeel: edge goes to Kellogg’s

This is separate from taste. Mouthfeel is really difficult to explain but one example of bad mouth feel is greek yogurt. No idea what it is but that stuff just feels wrong. And that’s kinda how I picked a winner for this. It’s kinda more welcoming.  I don’t know, man. It’s real subtle. Maybe in a year I’ll be able to articulate why it feels better but the Kellogg version is just more enjoyable in your mouth.

Sweetness: Kellogg, there’s a little bit of a glaze on the raisins and if you check the ingredient list you’ll find that Kellogg’s Bran has a brown sugar syrup which may or may not make a difference aaaaand I’m fully just making things up now.

So here is my honest review:

The difference is super negligible. The Kellogg’s version has a holding two scoops of Raisins which for some reason I do not like because it’s supposed to be like “oh I’m the sun, I dried these grapes myself” and that bothers me. However, the Post version is just boring and it has a dopey “Goodness Word Search” on the back with words like Bran, Fun and Fiber in them which is so lame that I can’t possibly recommend that in good conscience OR good conscious.

Jerry Seinfeld is right, if you’re eating this you’ve given up and here I am stuck with a blog thats a probably three days too late and two boxes of cereal that I don’t want to eat. Maybe I’ll make the muffin recipe on the back of the Post version so I guess Post wins because there’s a muffin recipe.

POST WINS!

Now go get yourself a bowl of something fun.

Kellogg’s Honey Smacks

Sweetened Puffed Wheat Cereal

It’s pretty rare for me to go to someone’s house and see that they have Honey Smacks. It’s also pretty rare that I go to someone’s house but that comes with the territory when you’re the type of guy to start a cereal blog.

But this isn’t about me.

This is about Honey Smacks, one of the most underrated cereals on the market. Honey Smacks are like the Static Shock of cereal. I’ve never seen an advertisement for either, they’re far and away cooler than the competition and no one seems to realize how good they are.

The mascot is a frog with a sideways hat and skinny jeans. He’s fine being less famous than Toucan Sam and Tony the Tiger because he’s doing him. And to force the comparison between mascots and the cereal they represent, Honey Smacks are just being themselves. There aren’t any bright colors or special shapes. And although there are some key vitamins, they’re not real pushy about it. 25% is as high as they go because “hey, it’s breakfast time, we still have all day.”

The individual pieces of puffed wheat are wrapped with a sweet blanket of sugary glaze. It’s crunchy but you can still hear someone talking while you chew. The post-cereal chug is a smooth entrance into the Land of Milk and Honey and with 10% of your daily Vitamin D, you’ll be able to absorb all the Calcium you can dream of!

It’s amazing I’m not getting paid for this.

Coolness Factor: 10/10

This is getting into some of my personal philosophy but I believe that there is an objective scale for coolness and there’s a long checklist that things/people/places must go through to be judged and Honey Smacks nails them all. It’s an effortless cool. It’s hip without being too trendy. There’s a sense of humor to it and by “it” I mean the packaging and by a sense of humor, I mean there are some jokes.

Here’s a quick sample: 

All in all, if you’re a parent looking for a cereal that says “I know what the kids like” and “I still got it” at the same time, Honey Smacks is the cereal for you.

Taste: 7/10

I may have hyped up the taste a little bit early on. And this blog is nothing if not honest, so I all personal bias aside, the cereal is good not great. It’s sweet but if that’s all you want, you can probably find a spoon and a jar of sugar to fulfill those desires. The puffing wheat dilutes the flavors a bit but honestly, who cares?
Honey Smacks make me feel like I can skateboard and DJ and I can’t do either so I’m gonna keep eating them ‘til I learn how or until I don’t want to feel like I can skateboard.

Enriched Bran Flakes

Harris Teeter brand Cereal

with 13 Essential Vitamins & Minerals

Whole Grain Cereal with Bran

If you buy a kid Bran Flakes, Child Protective Services has the legal right to take your child from you. Not because of your poor parenting but because that child is now mature enough to raise themselves.

Khaki pants eat Bran Flakes for breakfast.

Bran Flakes makes you want to only eat the serving size. with ½ cup of Skim Milk.

The ingredients list is simple but it’s honestly surprising that it’s as long as it is.

I think they’re lying about the sugar and corn syrup because this cereal is more bland than the end piece of bread.

The amount of Vitamins is frustrating. It’s got 100% of your iron which is hard to get when you’re eating steak every night.

It has 100% of your daily Pantothenic Acid? Is that even a good thing?

The only reason I bought this was because it was $1.97 for a box. But after I bought it and choked down the first plain bowl, I followed that up by doing 3 loads of laundry, cleaning my whole apartment, paying all my bills, going for a 10 mile run, sending emails I’d be putting off for weeks and returning library books on time. It was the most productive day I’ve had since the day I first breathed air, cried out loud and celebrated my first birthday.

Taste: 4/10

Honestly, I’ve fallen asleep eating a bowl of this. I’ve started drizzling honey on it. It’s like taking a vitamin. It’s as tasty as room temperature water. It’s not un-tasty(non-tasty? bad tasting? gross?) but it’s so mediocre that I would judge anyone that eats this for pleasure. I’m only doing this for our loyal readers.

(I’m still feeling out the categories, they might just change every time)

Excitement: 5/10

Have you ever taken a drug test? or participated in a Psych study? or done anything with anyone taking data or samples? because that’s how this feels. It’s obviously not something you are eating for fun even though financially and nutritionally, it’s an amazing option. It is fascinating because you get to act like someone who has self control and makes rational decisions. Things seem to be going well for people that eat this regularly but the person eating it is probably similar to Patrick Bateman.

Alternative Mottos:

This cereal doesn’t have a motto but here are some options incase the lovely people at Harris Teeter HQ are reading this

“Taking the fun out of Functional!”

“Wheaties off steroids”

“Is brown your favorite color?”

Overall, it makes total sense to buy this cereal. It’s healthy. It’s inexpensive. And there’s something to be said about how a good habit in the morning can help you win the day but c’mon. Enjoy your life and when I say that, I mean eat this cereal only out of necessity. I recommend this to people who are way overweight, can’t swallow multivitamins, have trouble pooing, think they’re adding to the conversation by saying “I actually think the book was better than the movie” aaaaand have a razor slim cereal budget. If you’re only 4 out of 5 of these then get something more fun.
Ce-YA-real soon!